Psalm 42

As the deer pants for streams of water,
       so my soul pants for you, O God.
 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
       When can I go and meet with God?
 My tears have been my food
       day and night,
       while men say to me all day long,
       "Where is your God?"
 These things I remember
       as I pour out my soul:
       how I used to go with the multitude,
       leading the procession to the house of God,
       with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
       among the festive throng.
 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
       Why so disturbed within me?
       Put your hope in God,
       for I will yet praise him,
       my Savior and my God.
       My soul is downcast within me;
       therefore I will remember you
       from the land of the Jordan,
       the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
 Deep calls to deep
       in the roar of your waterfalls;
       all your waves and breakers
       have swept over me.
 By day the LORD directs his love,
       at night his song is with me—
       a prayer to the God of my life.
 I say to God my Rock,
       "Why have you forgotten me?
       Why must I go about mourning,
       oppressed by the enemy?"
 My bones suffer mortal agony
       as my foes taunt me,
       saying to me all day long,
       "Where is your God?"
 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
       Why so disturbed within me?
       Put your hope in God,
       for I will yet praise him,
       my Savior and my God.

real children, real Jesus...

the preivous advertised blog will eventually take place, when i get some time

DISCLAIMER: we'll see how this goes as I wrote about this next post in my journal, not much background or detail, sorry! I'm leaving it in its original form for "my eyes only," so you may not understand it the way I do or you may get caught up in my personal communications style or grammar. Anyways, I thought I'd mix it up:

{Reflecting on a moment volunteering at Sister's of Charity (Shanti-Dan) in Kolkata...

10/1/09

[While there, I was overwhelmed by the reality of children who were craving love and attention. Specifically, the moment there were 6 or so children ages 4 and under sitting on the floor...in a sort of "circle," CRYING. Crying because they were sad, their world was not right. They wanted love. To be touched, to be played with... I looked at all of them in the eyes as I sang:

"Jesus loves the little children,

all the children of the world..."

repeatedly, as their sniffles began to disappear. They looked back at me as if they were contemplating the truth that came from my lips. It was a solemn look. No smiles emerged. Just calm. Peace.]

I began to cry as I reflected on this moment. It was so real. No documentary. No pictures. No commercial sob story. Not someone else's experience. Just me, Jesus, and those children--real children with no homes, but with names. I cried out WITH them...to Jesus-- asking Him to reveal His love...for the children to feel it and know it.}

this is messy, but i think i'll leave my blog at that... unscripted, unedited :)

This Calming Place

natural sounds

of running water

trickling through the rocks

of chirping bugs

filling in silence

peaceful images

of drifting leaves

floating down the stream

of shimmering rocks

flickering in the sun

refreshing smells

of growing wood

standing very tall

of breathing plants

swaying in the breeze

In such a Calming Place

I know I see Your face in the...

natural sounds

of Your soothing voice

peaceful images

of Your living creation

refreshing smells

of Your pleasing fragrance

Bloggin’ for Jake... I'll miss him

6/1/09

It is time for me to call it a night, but I’m having a hard time falling asleep because I can hear Riley (my 18 month old English Mastiff) crying from the garage. She doesn’t like being by herself when it’s bedtime. We had to put my German Shepherd, Jake, down last night.

He bit my neighbor on the arm when my parents were around… he wasn’t critically injured, but the fact was that it was hard to control Jake when strangers were around that we didn’t introduce him to. My parents explored all other options (police dogs, give away, be more careful etc.) but found this was “best.” I trust their judgment and don’t blame anyone for this…it just sucks. The last time I saw him was like 10 days ago because my parents took him in the middle of the night.

So anyway, it’s been hard being around the house. There is now some sort of huge void. Like driving home from the Hillsong concert tonight, I couldn’t help but think about how I used to be greeted by a groggy Jake who’d stretch and soon be ready and energetic. Or MY FAVORITE was when I’d be on the computer late into the night and he’d be sleeping on “his chair” or by the front door. I’d go to say goodnight to him, and with his tired eyes he’d look at me and plant a few sweet licks on my nose.

This morning when I woke up, it was a shocker and I was obviously upset. It’s just not the same. Jake had this aura of energy around him at all times. I’m so used to walking around the house with him by my side trying to anticipate where I would go next. I’m used to opening the back door to let the dogs out and have him bolt out there. I took Riley for a walk into the woods today and that’s not the same either because there was no dog running 100ft ahead or dropping toys at my feet. She’s just lackadaisical and clumsy, which is fine, but I’m used to there being a balance. It’s funny how my dogs would walk the same trail in the woods at least 4 times a day and Jake was ALWAYS excited to be out. He loved to run. He was so lean and athletic and could catch any flying object in mid air and look like a champ catching it! He was fast enough to catch deer.

Jake was so loyal. He’d fight a grizzly bear to the death for me if he had to. No matter how far away he was, if he heard my voice he’d swivel around quickly and obey my commands. With one noise form my mouth “mmmMMMmm” he’d go directly to his cage. He’d always do what I said or what he felt was best for me ;)

We loved each other the first time we met. Not in a romantic way of course, but that kind of love that “pals” have. I remember the day we took him home on my lap. Surprisingly, he actually could fit his whole body on my lap. I remember comforting him for his first of many car rides. When we got home, he’d follow me EVERYWHERE. He was so cute with his oversized-ears that flopped to the side and his HUGE paws that he clumsily ran on. The first night, Ricardo and I slept by the little cage we had him in so he wouldn’t cry all night. As a pup, he took many naps…but you had to get the energy out of him first. I used to just run around the house a few times and he’d chase me because he wouldn’t want to be alone. Finally, we’d go inside and he’d fall asleep on the A/C vent. When he was still a puppy, we used to take him over to my neighbor’s house to play with their black lab. He was smaller and not as fast, but that didn’t last very long! He grew big and fast AND SMART: I remember, it took me ONE DAY to teach him “sit,” “lay down,” “paw,” and “up.” ONE DAY. Then like one week to get him to go in his cage on command.

I knew he was attached when every time I came home from school, without fail, he’d greet me at the door of my car. For most of his 2 puppy years, he’d pee all over the driveway because he was so excited to see me. Another good and silly thing about Jake is he wouldn’t JUMP on me…he was a LEANER J Even when in the house, Jake had to be in the same room as me.

He just loved to play and run around. He loved fetch and was amazing at it too. Rocks at the lake were his favorite. He also loved swimming. One quirky thing he’d do is drop a ball under a table and purposely get himself stuck so you could grab the ball before he’d be tempted to snatch it up again. I loved playing with Jake in the winter because I could get a little dirtier and play on the ground. He had a huge affinity for gloves and hats though! When we got lazy ol’ Riley, I was surprised to see how he put up with her following him around and bugging him. He was so patient with her. Though, he did establish an alpha-dog position for himself…understandable, he was there first and was older ;)

There are 2 funny stories about him I’ve shared and will share again as well as record for future reference. One time, my mom and I were working on a puzzle on a coffee table that was giving us some trouble. On the last day, we were missing 2 essential pieces and just wondered at where they could be. A few hours later, I was sitting in the study and heard Jake hacking something up (he was still puppy-ish). I went over to comfort him and looked to the floor to see the pieces that my mom and I needed! They didn’t quite fit, but I was excited to share this with her. J

The other story involved flatulence. Everyone knows dog-farts rank…but that’s not the worst part, they’re silent so you can NEVER tell when they’re coming. BUT THIS ONE TIME, not too long ago, Jake let a few go that created some noise. He cocked his head in confusion…I was as confused as he was, but I literally laughed out loud for a good 5 minutes because of his expression.

I’m gunna miss my Boo-bah, my Jakie-poo. I loved him a lot, kind of like a toddler. I’m not equating the life of my dog to that of a human’s, but he was more than just a pet. He couldn’t talk, but he could communicate and had personality. He loved unconditionally and was dependent on us, but did all he could to return the favor to our family by protection. It’s unfortunate he has to be remembered for biting someone…like he’s some aggressive monster. But I knew a sweet pup who had protection of the pack built into his nature. I’m going to remember him this way, and hope all can too! My life will go on, I’ll be sad only a little while…but that doesn’t mean it’ll be easy. I haven’t felt this way about loosing a pet in a while because I never knew a dog like Jake. It sucks that just because he did not fit into the world of humans, he had to leave a world and people that he loved. I was blessed to have him in my life as long as he was. I hope he’s at peace wherever dogs go.

Looking back on '08, Looking Forward to '09

i apologize...i dont know how to fix the formatting :(

Looking back on '08

The most important/memorable change...

On July 4, 2008 for the first time in my life, I met my biological grandparents. (for those who are reading and are a bit confused by what I mean by that, I am adopted and my mother and biological grandmother have been mailing letters back and forth since October 22, 1989 when I was adopted) This is one of the greatest things to happen in my lifetime. I already have a big family as it is (mom is 1/11 kids and dad is 1/8), but there's always room for more! I'm not saying this because I think I'm awesome, but I know this reunion has been a huge blessing in the lives of my biological grandparents as well (because they tell me all the time). They are the sweetest, most genuine people I have ever met. Not to mention they're old...and old people are cute and get excited about everything!

I was also fortunate enough to meet my great aunt and a second cousin as well! Both were also awesome and caring.

Looking Forward to '09

The most important change...

This month, I will be meeting my biological aunt (birthmother's sister). I'm flying out to Colorado to spend a few days with her and am really looking forward to it!

My grandparents are slowly, but surely finding a way for me to meet my biological mother.

My uncle has yet to show interest in meeting me, but maybe it will happen!

Looking back on '08

Best trip/vacation

This is sort of a hard one, but I think the best trip I took this year was during spring break. I went with

InterVarsity Christian fellowship on this thing called the Urban Plunge. We basically spent 6 days in SE

Washington D.C. living and learning together about the city and the injustice that exists there.

We participated in various activities such as volunteering for a day at an elementary school, touring SW

(about "urban renewal" and such), GED tutoring, Anacostia river clean up, etc. When we were not out

serving and learning about the community, we either played games :) or discussed how our experience

relates to Jesus and how God cares for the city. Then, of course, we related it to our lives and our personal

response to injustice that could occur outside of just being in the city doing volunteer projects. Things

such as how we spend our money, what we do as a career, how to treat the environment, recognizing

racism ,and many more topics. Though there were sometimes (okay many and still are) disagreements,

it was great to be a part of a group of students grappling with these issues with our God in mind. But

most of all, I was greatly impacted to discover just how much Jesus cares about "social justice" and

the broken people of Washington D.C. It broke my heart to see the injustice while I was living in D.C.,

but it was in a good way. I feel my eyes just opened a bit more to the world around me. And finally, we

still were able to find plenty of light in D.C, shining through it's people and the good things that are

happening there (such as when churches like St. Teresa's reach out to their community, or Peace fellowship

that welcomes diversity into it's simple meeting place). I am still challenged by many of the things I

learned on this trip, but am thankful for such a life-changing experience.

Looking Forward to '09

The Urban Plunge...

So guess what? I'm going on the plunge again this year!! I really look forward to seeing what I learn the

second time around. I feel like I've grown so much, I'm a new person and will be going with a different

mindset (that will probably be shattered once again) and go with a different purpose (last time, I had heard

good things about it, and had nothing else to do for break).

Looking back on '08

Eight Randoms/favorites, no order

1) Got a new puppy (who's huge now...english mastiff)

2) Author: Shane Claiborne (books that open my mind and inspired me a lot)

3) Awesome old roommate transferred (sadly), but have another awesome one this year!

4) New Fave Musicians: Jars of Clay, Sigur Ros, Hillsong, Black Violin

5) Cape Cod (fun con mis primos)

6) Going to the lake house with friends (before chapter camp and new student retreat)

7) Growing friendships

8) Fridays

Looking forward to '09

Nine looking forward to's that haven't already been mentioned, no order

1) Thursdays

2) Growing friendships

3) Changing business major to psychology (keeping crim)

4) Re-reading the inheritance series (eragon, eldest, brisingr)

5) Possible abroad trip in summer or winter

6) Getting baptized

7) Learning how to cook

8) Continue to build my guitar skills ('08 was a great year)

9) Growing in my faith through cwazy experiences, friendships, and fellowship

Okay, so Resolutions?

Didn't even think of anything yet...i need more time to think. so, no!

Sorry for a longish post. this is another "deep"ish post

by me. i promise, lighter/fun ones are to come

Merry Christmas to ALL!

So0o0o.... In never thought that I would make a blog, but here I am on Christmas day in the year 2008, writing my first post.  

Here's my one and only apology/warning to all my readers: I am not a wonderful writer, speller, or "grammarist" and will make many mistakes and/or run-on sentences. Please, bear with me!

Secondly, I am always open for discussion. If something I write strikes you (in a good or bad way), feel free to leave a comment, or contact me about it! I am not afraid of talking, even if all you have is disagreement and criticism for me, and even if it's not "constructive" and is straight up "rude," I will still hear it and respond the best way I can! :)

Thirdly, I'll try and post interesting and random thoughts, NOT an online journal!

And, finally, my first post!

If you pay attention to my facebook, then this will not be new information to you.  But, for the past few years, "O Holy Night" has been my favorite Christmas song.  It has a beautiful melody along with a wonderful news.  My favorite verse in particular is often not sung (or only partially sung by Josh Groban).  It's as follows:

Truly He taught us to LOVE one another

His law is love and his gospel is PEACE

Chains shall He break, for the slave is our brother

And in His name, all OPPRESSION shall CEASE

Sweet Hymns of joy, in grateful chorus raise we

Let all within us, PRAISE His holy name

Christ is the Lord! Oh praise his name forever

His power and glory evermore proclaim

I wish I had more to say about this song, but it sort of speaks for itself. 

As of recent, I have a NEW NEW NEW favorite CHRISTMAS song! It is not one of the classics, but speaks with the same fervor of our favorite CHRISTmas songs of old.  It even has a sweet melody to it, it's just more "contemporary" sounding.  But that's alright since many of our old favorites have been modernized (God Rest Ye Merry Gentlmen by Barenaked Ladies/Sarah McLaughlin).  I've decided to share this with you to help express my thoughts about celebrating Christmas and what it really means to me.  

It's a day of wonder and awe as I look upon a miracle that occurred for my sake and the sake of the world to be reconciled with the Almighty Creator.  It's a beautiful and unique story that has lasted throughout the ages in the hearts of those who love the Lord.  Even though my view of Christmas can be blurred by the new meanings the world gave it (commercialism, being "good for goodness's sake, etc.), I can hear a slight, yet fierce whisper from the Lord come forth to remind me about how in Love with me He is (and how in love with Him I am).  This song seems to encompass how I feel and how I usually come before the Lord: in wonder and with questions. It's called "How Many Kings" by Downhere:

Follow the star to a place unexpected

Would you believe after all we've projected

A child in a manger

Lowly and small, the weakest of all

Unlikeliness hero, wrapped in his mother's shawl

Just a child

Is this who we've waited for?

How many kings stepped down from their thrones?

How many lords have abandoned their homes?

How many greats have become the least for me?

How many Gods have poured out their hearts

To romance a world that has torn all apart?

How many fathers gave up their sons for me?

Bringing our gifts for the newborn savior

All that we have whether costly or meek

Because we believe

Gold for his honor and frankincense for his pleasure

And myrrh for the cross he'll suffer

Do you believe, is this who we've waited for?

It's who we've waited for!

How many kings stepped down from their thrones?

How many lords have abandoned their homes?

How many greats have become the least for me?

How many Gods have poured out their hearts

To romance a world that has torn all apart?

How many fathers gave up their sons for me?

ONLY ONE DID THAT FOR ME

All for me

All for you

All for me

All for you

Like "O Holy Night," this song emphasizes the state of the world and the sort of things that the Lord would do for nothing in return.  However, it has a much different approach. It points out the lowliness of our salvation's entrance in this world.  How the Lord Almighty would lower himself and come in a way we would never expect. The song goes on to emphasize this point by asking questions that only point to Jesus and again, highlight the unfathomable love of our Lord. Finally, as you'll notice in the second verse, a response is mentioned... gifts and worship for the newborn King! 

If you'd like to hear the song, go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ulY2KPmpMwk

The video is boring, but at least you can hear the song for free :)

So now I'll conclude: Our Lord God loves everyone, as the angel who appeared to the Shepherds said, "Do not be afraid. I bring you GOOD NEWS of GREAT JOY for ALL PEOPLE." As I try to wrap my head around that statement, two things come to mind: the way in which our salvation came and our response to it.  I love Christmas for many reasons, being with family, holiday treats, and holiday music, BUT most of all, I love it because it's the day to celebrate God's love through the birth of His son and our Savior, Jesus Christ! It's a day where I stand in wonder of this beautiful miracle and praise the Lord for His imaginative character and for His love that came down not just for me, but for ALL PEOPLE!

I hope you all enjoyed Christmas day and were able to ponder and love the true meaning for CHRISTmas :)